I wish I knew…

Even if I’m not saying it out loud, my heart echoes this cry several times throughout my days. Over the past few months and weeks my soul has grown weary. I’m sure I’m speaking to the choir at this point, and so many of us are wishing and hoping for a certain end result of all of this.

I’m uncomfortable in the extreme chaos of the world. Not just for me but for the Bridgehaven team, my family, and friends. I am sad by what has been missed and concerned by where things seem to be headed. I mourn over the expression of hurt, pain, and fear consuming the nation. I wish I knew…

I wish I knew what was really happening.

I wish I knew if the people I love and care about are safe.

I wish I knew if I am doing the right thing in God’s eyes.

I wish I knew the right things to say.

I wish I knew how things are going to look in our communities one, three, six months from now.

Ugh… you get the point. The list could go on.

As my heart continued to ask wish these wishes, the Lord finally said loud enough for me to hear, Why? Why do you want to know?” As I sit with the reality of that question, it brings me back to the story of Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made.

He said to the woman. “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make on wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.  -Genesis 3:1-7

Why do I want to know?

I want to know because I long for peace and comfort.

I want to know because I desire a clear plan for the days to come.

I want to know because I desire control of the chaos that ensues.

I want to know because I want so badly to fix all the problems.

The truth is we all want to be more like God; all-knowing and able to calm the storm that surrounds us. When we can’t, it’s unsettling, frustrating, and even heartbreaking. With the struggles of today, I understand more of how Eve might have felt. The temptation to know more was great; the temptation to taste and see. What would I trade to know what I wish to? When I ask myself that question my answer, in the light of Truth, is a wholehearted NOTHING. I wish to know nothing because I trust God who’s in control of it all. I’m where I am supposed to be, in a time of great chaos and trouble. And God is still good. He loves me and he love you.

Consider the raven: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? –Luke 12:24-25

I believe that the Lord is challenging me to embrace the severe boundaries of this season. Boundaries that make me feel like my hands are tied behind my back or that I’m unable to do anything, say anything. Instead of allowing the serpent to convince me that boundaries are a bad thing, I must remember that boundaries are good, they are healthy and wise. So, maybe these boundaries that feel so limiting are really for my good. Maybe it’s all part of learning to sacrifice, tell myself no, and building trust in Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

Lord, you are the King of this world and the universe. We look to you for our daily strength and hope to not just make it through this challenging time but to complete your work and your will. Father, help us to take the days one at a time, to focus on the people you’ve placed in our lives to love and serve, and to slow down and hear your voice bringing us peace. Thank you that you are right here with us and you never leave our side. We love you, Lord. Amen.