My Journey to Healing, after an Abortion

This story is a one of our precious client’s journey with abortion and abortion recovery, as recounted in her own words.

Before my abortion…

When I was a young girl there was a void inside of me. I was not loved as I should have been by my family. I tried to stay out of the way. I hid my feelings. I hid my hurt. I don’t think I ever knew who I really was. I grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional home environment where chaos and unpredictability was normal.  

“How could somebody do that, have an abortion?”

When I had my abortion, I was young. I had a child already at 19. He was a beautiful, little, baby boy. I never once thought about ending that pregnancy. I had to know who that little precious person was inside of me. Abortion never entered my mind, and I was so angry when the biological father suggested it. He disappeared from my life after that. I could not imagine my life without my son. How could somebody do that, have an abortion? I couldn’t and didn’t.  

I was looking for “love;” to be loved, to be considered valuable as a person and especially as a girl. I wanted to feel that I was important to someone. What I didn’t know was that these things would contribute to my promiscuity, which didn’t start until after I graduated high school. I was an easy mark. I would turn away nice guys because they seemed boring. I now know that that was a response to living a life of abuse; I just didn’t know it then.  

“I was very frightened for me, and for my son…for the child that I just found out was growing inside of me.”

When I was in my early 20’s I chose to date a man who was the silent type, I knew him from work. I thought he might be safe. He showed interest in me and that was usually all it took. I never considered if this person (or any other) was going to be good for me, I just responded to their interest in me. My son was then around 2 years old. The silent guy quickly turned violent, and his parents were just as abusive.  I began to pull away, but then I found out I was pregnant. It was a completely different situation and feeling from when I was pregnant the first time at 18. This time I was very frightened for me, and for my son. I was also scared for the child that I had just found out was growing inside of me.  

It was early in the pregnancy that I received the positive test results from a walk-in clinic. I panicked. I asked a friend and my grandfather for money. Both gave it to me on my promise to pay it back. All I could think about was protecting me, my son, and the child inside of me. I did something I never thought I would or could do. My grandfather drove me to the abortion clinic.

“That decision that day took a part of me away also…” 

I don’t remember a lot from that day. As part of the procedure, they gave me medicine so that I wouldn’t. What I do remember was feeling disconnected from what I had just done. I do remember saying to God in my prayers that night that I thought the baby was better off with him than here.  

What I did not know then but what I do know now, is that that decision that day took a part of me away also. I didn’t know really what I was doing, other than taking away a “situation” and believing it was what was best, and what I had to do for all involved. I didn’t know what effect it would have on me later in life.  

My journey to healing

I’ve had a relationship with God for some time and have spent a lot of years soul searching and doing some healing work to overcome the way I was treated as a little girl and the abuse I suffered. Prior to seeking recovery for my abortion trauma, a kind woman reached out to me, and helped me simply understand what I now know as post-abortion trauma. This was a big realization for me, but it felt too overwhelming to tackle. At this point, I was simply aware that this was something that needed to be healed in me, and I began to see God offering me opportunities for healing. 

Years later, at church, I saw in the bulletin that there was an Abortion Recovery program, Bridgehaven’s Take Courage Retreat, available on an upcoming weekend. I wondered, ‘Is this my time Lord?’ I pursued it, asked some questions, talked on the phone with the director of the program, Haley, and I could feel the Holy Spirit’s presence as we spoke. My heart was pricked. I also felt like I didn’t want to pass up this opportunity. I felt like God was saying, ‘Now is the time.’  

Before the Take Courage Retreat, I felt that I could not connect with the children I lost. I had lost one to abortion, and the other to a miscarriage. Both fathers were abusive, so it was difficult me to separate my children from their fathers. It wasn’t until the retreat that I could connect with being their mother.  

“I had no doubt that I was there, because God wanted to heal me!”

If you go to the retreat, just know, God wants you there. The staff are so very loving and kind, and skilled at helping you walk through the healing God has for you.  It is a powerful weekend of feeling safe to be vulnerable and learning to trust. I had no doubt that I was there, because God wanted to heal me!  

God loves children, and he loves life, because he is life. But what I will also say is God loves that frightened, young girl who laid herself up on that table that day in a cold, sterile room, waiting for them to remove a baby from her womb. Does God love her too? Yes. Does He forgive her? Yes. How do I know? Because I am that girl.